I’m not sure anymore exactly what I’m doing…scratch that I’ve never really known what I am doing. It’s like I get all this momentum built up and I get all these ideas and I am ready to take on the world and show the world what I’m made of right? Except once I feel like I’m starting to get somewhere or I’m finally actually going to become and achieve or attain, accomplish whatever goal or idea that I’m trying to put into reality it seems like I get attacked and lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve been attacked a lot. I’m not sure if it’s delusional or paranoia or if I’m just making an excuse for my own self sabotaging and my own inability to make the things happen that I want to make happen. I have big dreams and I always have had Big Dreams and now they’re coming like out here in this world and I’ve been working diligently and hard on every aspect of thedragonspathway and the dragons pathway blog, thedragonspathway website, thedragonspathway inventory, the products that I’m making they’re all handmade est… I’ve been spending time like I’ve never spent time on anything in my life. So just to let you know a little bit about maybe why I’ve lost my temper or whatever is because I’m just feeling a little bit defeated and ready to give up on everything and I don’t want to feel this way. I know that I’m not done, I’m not giving up, but sometimes I just want to hide away and keep to myself sitting in the corner of my car and never deal with anybody or anything ever again! I know that’s not truly how I feel deep down, it’s just true in the moment you know? It’s like when you say some really hurtful and mean things when you’re angry and heated in the moment or when you’re sad and depressed and you say some God awful things about how you fee such as I just want to die or something but you know it isn’t true and you know it’s not true but at the time it feels like it could be and is that all it takes? Is that all it takes in this life is to be upset in the moment and change everything forever? I’m not even sure if all this anger is just unprocessed sadness because when I am angry i then get angry that I’m angry and then I’m angry because I’m hurt and I’m hungry because I’m confused and then it turns into tears. I’m sad and I’m crying and I can feel all of this emotional energy swelling up from in my chest and I can feel this lump that hurts so bad in my throat and I’m trying not to cry, I’m trying to hold it in or I’m trying to not be me. I refusw it because I know as soon as I start crying I’m going not be angry about it anymore and then after everything is over I’m just there like I’m not angry or sad or happy I’m just blah. I don’t know what it is that I have to do, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore is what I started this post saying and you know what I guess I have understood who I am at my core but what it is I’m supposed to be doing? I’ve always had an idea of what I want in life and it changes a lot, and where I’m going to as I’m always chasing things and yet I’ve never actually gotten there this magical place I’ve been dreaming of. I never actually followed through or finished or completed anything that I’ve attempted and I mean that’s not even true entirely but mostly. Most things that I start I never finish. And I’m sick of being that way I’m tired of disappointing myself and being disappointed with myself not with other people not with situations but my choices and my inability to follow through has led me to this state of frustration with myself and then I’m taking it out on other people that don’t deserve it and I am clouding my judgment to the point where I can’t see straight and I don’t want to and I don’t want to think and I don’t want to feel or process any of this but here I am. I just want so badly to not be a failure anymore. I want to know when I wake up in the morning that I can smile and see in the mirror this reflection of a guy I’m proud to be. A guy that’s proud to be a good brother, I want to be proud to be a great uncle, I want to be proud to be a good son and instead I don’t even want to look at myself I find just the simplest things are the hardest things to do the right things to do are so so hard and then the bad things they’re wonderfully easy and I see the law of opposites and everything and I understand that there’s light in the dark and it’s dark in the light and we have to conquer our fears like I spoke about in the post before and challenging them and rising to the occasion and you know it’s great to be and do that yes but it’s not simple at least not for me it’s not simple to pretend to be happy or that everything is fine and I’m not about to crumble with the tape cuz it’s not holding me together anymore and I’m afraid that you’re going to see the seams they’re busting because I’ve been trying to sew them together so many times and I’m constantly anxious and I’m challenging it I’m rising up to it I’m working I’m getting out of the car I’m promoting myself online and putting out my story I’m telling you guys my feelings I don’t even know if I’ve ever actually spoke about with this understanding before. So yeah fear you can go away you can go and take yourself far far away from this planet fear and depression Sadness and Sorrow and low vibrational anything I’m tired of being so comfortable and complacent in your arms and I’ve had enough fear I’ve lived in a state of fear for too long you must leave now. I am ready to embrace something greater something brighter something forgiving and loving and more capable of comfort than you would ever offer fear and I’m on my way so stop trying to make me fall as I Rise stop trying to make me doubt myself more than you already have spent on my life making me doubt myself I no longer want to accept and believe the lies that you speak fear and from today forward I’m going to rise even harder and waking every sleeping bone and cell in my body to stand up and fight against fear and all that you encompass. The crazy thing is besides me, that I’m actually afraid to see and be anything else because I have never known any other way except fear isn’t that mind blowing? To think I’ve lived my entire life never knowing anything besides fear and everything I’ve done and do to this day has all been because of things that I’ve choose based on what most comfortable and what’s going to make me feel the most safe and what’s going to not trigger my anxiety or fear what’s going to keep me from having to suffer through that and if I am suffering through that what do I do about it and everything I do is always in a panic and it’s it’s so exhausting ever since I can remember if little kid I’ve been afraid cuz of all the things that have happened what could happen or shouldn’t have happened. And now that I’m older I realize that I speak the truth that I preached everybody that everything happens for a reason and then I sit in the car and I’m by myself and I doubt it and I look at the pain in the suffering of the people and the horrible things that we do each other and I wonder how could this be for a reason? How could we watch our fellow brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and grandmas and grandpas suffer the way that we do? Why is being successful only mean that you have a lot of money or a nice house or a fancy car or whatever or your pretty or you are popular and that’s the only things that matter and when is that going to stop and why is that for a reason? Because I’ve had enough of this b******* my own b******* and your b******* and everybody’s b******* and everybodys b****** and your meaningless Pursuits in life and what you strive to accomplish to be it’s for the most part the least important thing that you could want to be and is it really the person that you want to show up every day is it the one who you want to be when you are on your deathbed are you living your life Without Regrets are you making the choices that are bettering yourself and others are you telling the people in your life your family and friends that you love them for no reason are you sure that they know are you who you want to be and in the end what’s really going to matter to you a lot of money at the empty house nice job a nice-looking man or woman or whatever maybe being popular having a million followers is that really what’s going to matter to you at the end? For me what’s really going to matter to me is when I can wake up and I can look myself in the mirror and I can say that I made the choices that I made with an understanding and intention to better myself to try harder to love more to reach out to help others and not be so selfish like I’ve been to not be so ignorant to the fact that I was just following and going with the flow but flowing in the wrong direction. And I know that it was the wrong direction only because I was going and flowing with the direction of other people’s desires and needs and wants and not my own. My whole life I have spent being a people-pleaser I’m making other people happy and doing whatever they wanted just to make sure they were taken care of but what about myself? What did I leave for myself? I’ll tell you what I left I left a giant black hole a void that I was trying to feel and run from really and hide its existence from myself not from anyone else I wanted to ignore the fact that I was ignoring my own needs for the sacrifice of others and just to avoid conflict and uncomfortable situations that made me feel anxious or fearful so I did whatever I could which is what I did and that was to give people what they wanted because if you give somebody what they want they say that you’ll get what you need in return but I beg to differ because I have lived this life now pleasing others I’m telling you now, It left me with nothing but coping mechanisms fear did this to me. FEAR and my inability and unwillingness to conquer it or even see it as such at the time even though you know when I was young I knew I was afraid but I didn’t know exactly what I could do or have that I had choices other than running ….I didn’t know I had a choice. So I took a route that made me feel confident and excited and colorful and creative and it brought out everything in me that I am but at a price that I didn’t know I was paying I was just you know deferring payments on the debt of fear I had inside myself and now I have so much that I keep thinking this time I process in motion this emotional Outburst you know that was great I feel better now but I keep hoping that there’s not another one or another one after that. And every time I have a release and my heart chakra is just overflowing and pouring out all that I’ve held inside and fear has kept it hidden in a nice little suitcase that keeps filling out here and there. And yes a suitcase that’s what fear does fear tells you is mcn v it’s going to be okay if you do listen to it and get out and do whatever you have to do to be comfortable and avoid any type of disturbance inside yourself and if you let me says fear I’ll even put everything in this nice large suitcase for you it’ll be ready for you so anytime you need to run away from your problems I’m always there to help you and have your back. How deceiving, how cunning you are fear to come in and pretend to be a savior when you’re really the one who is harming you’re the one to be running from you’re the one that nobody needs. So fear being so cunning realizes that you’re catching on to him that you’re realizing that he’s the one that came in the first place and said there was something to be afraid of something that is putting you in danger but it’s too late this realization you see because for you to deal with all that fear has put you through you developrd coping mechanisms for me I developed addiction drugs and alcohol and my go-to Escape I didn’t have to feel or even think. I had the power to Express myself and not give two f****. In all the years of my life I spent getting high in a bathroom by myself or in my room alone or with a bunch of people at a festival or whatever it was, I had profound moments mine to you grate realizations and memories that I cannot express to you I would not trade my life for or we do if I had a chance. But at the same time is 15 years of drug use necessary to have three or four good moments in your life I don’t think so I wish it wasn’t so I wish there was a reason that could have let me down a different path I wish I was born a little stronger because I don’t feel that strong anymore and it makes me sad to sit here and make amulets and talismans and handcrafted jewelry that’s supposed to strengthen your aura and your your ability to rise above the things that you are challenged with inside yourself and 2 help you see feel believe and have trust in the spirit, yet while I’m doing this I can see the pain of people that walked by and I can feel the pain that some of them inflicted upon me with their judgments and comments it’s so silly and pointless why we hurt people and each other I really don’t see why it makes people feel better to hurt another. I don’t see the spirit in that I don’t see a reason other than to learn and grow I understand that much but how much is too much and how much can we just justify before enough is enough how much more do we have to go through before each come to this realization but enough is enough? When is it going to be time to learn what we have learned from this and put it into application and start to treat each other like we are all brothers and sisters because we are just because we’re from different mothers and different fathers that makes no differenc. WE would not do it to our family, we should not do it to another person, we would defend our family if someone was attacking them and harming them. WE should defend everyone who is being attacked, we should lift up everyone who is down and sad we should help each other, why can’t we just help one anthor? I’m so sad right now because I’m looking around and I see what this world is coming to and where it’s going and I do believe in something greater than than myself ,I’ve experienced it, I know it, and I am excited to return to it at my time and I guess I just really need a sign. Something that’s going to show me without a doubt that I’m not a failure and I CAN follow through and I’m worth it and this life is worth it and my family and friends their lives are worth it and that one day we’ll all be okay, one day we’ll be there for one another it’s just not today, and maybe not tomorrow. I’m frustrated because it hurts so much and I’m afraid of hurting and I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I’ve spent too much time already living like a scared helpless creature and I have wasted my youth dabbling in dangerous things I should actually have been afraid of like wow! Epiphany moment! I can clearly see that I have been so confused, I spent so much time being afraid of mundane everyday things that inshoildnt have feared and thingsnlike drugs, alcohol unprotected sex and abusive relationships inshouldve been afraid of i wasnt and yet I still dont know why yet I as I love to gonaround and say like it makes everything suddenly better “everything for a reason.” I’m just looking forward amd living in a life that i dream of living in and not actually living in now and getting depressed and angry because of it. Im regretting what has happened only because I am living in the memories of my story that are painful to further justify my incompetence and reason for failing now and I AM not living now and here just touching the ground here in the now emas little or as long as I can without having to deal with emotion oe the reality. The now is a hard place to be, yet it’s the only place there actually is to be if you are being,yet for me I live in hopeful dreams and painful memories. WHY? … because here and now means I have to rise to the challenge Sand get ready to face fear,right here, right now and I dont know if I’m ready, I think I AM ready to say it and maybe then I can believe it, then if I believe it maybe I can actually achieve it…. …. …. enough is enough.